This is a story of She and He, of Him and Her, of Them, and not Them anymore.  I use She and He because this could be anyone, has been everyone at one point, and probably will continue to exist long after you are done reading this story. Perhaps you know someone who has felt this way, been in this situation, lived this life. You might be that person. Or perhaps you will get to the end of this story, clueless as to what any of it meant or the feelings that She and He exhibited. If you are in the latter category, I envy and pity you. I envy you because you have not been through this angst, but I pity you because you have not yet clutched the fabric of devotion.

SHE

She looks down from her window, and sees him walking towards her. She remembers when she used to become breathless when she spotted him. Now there is only dread. She has to leave. She can’t take the pressure anymore. The fighting. The phone calls. The makeup, then breakup cycle. Whoever thought giving up her single life would mean also giving up any chance to be her own person? Not that he had suffocated her all at once or tried to make her something she was not. No, it was the slow, gradual enmeshment that terrified her. It crept up on her and shaded her vision until she woke up one morning and had become part of a functioning unit instead of her own self worth. So she had to break away, but she didn’t want to break his heart. How could you be so selfish as to hurt someone who thought of you as the one?

She knows he is one of those people who take your breath away in laughter. He takes care of everyone else and forgets about himself half of the time. He walks in a room and is friends with everyone, effortlessly and instantly. He is nothing like her.

She thought, is it supposed to be this hard? People say that they find their other half in their partner. But does that mean that the person doesn’t know where you’re coming from? Does it mean that you are constantly defending who you are as a person because they are so fundamentally cut from a different cloth? Or is it just hard because you’re forcing a square knot through a circular needle? He was completely and utterly different from her in almost every way, but that’s what made life interesting, right? Or do we end up with someone who is similar to us because at the end of the day it’s easier and more comforting to be with the familiar? She was unsure of what was best, but she knew the feeling that she’d be having for the past month was not being in love with him…it was love that had grown into companionship and reliance over time. Settling is not an option, but she didn’t see how it was settling when she was being with someone who was crazy about her. Was it possible that she could have both? A love that set her soul on fire despite the screaming fights, and the comfortable assuredness that he would always be there. It doesn’t seem logical.

She needed to see what life was like without him, to prove to herself that she could live it without him, to discover who she was and who she will be. She was sure of this deep down in her bones, but that did not stop the thundering of her heart when she thought about the conversation that would follow him crossing the threshold.

Aftermath

Sometimes things end in an overwhelming way. Screaming, crying, things being thrown, cursing names at the top of lungs. Other times, the people involved are so defeated and torn up, not by anything in particular that they can pin down, but the overreaching life events that we cannot control or change. We cannot build a time machine to stop one person’s life while the other catches up. We cannot be transported across long distances. All we can do is to compromise if it’s something we really feel passionate about. Sometimes a less than ideal situation with a person you’re in love with is better than a perfect situation with a person you can spend some time with.  However, compromising is only possible if two people are willing to do it; otherwise there is just the unwinding of together and relearning of independence.

So that was it. This is what life felt without each other.

HE

There were reasons for the breakup. There always is. But what seemed so urgent in the past now is dulled over time. He forgets what went wrong and only remembers the simple things. It’s a dangerous trap to fall into. She left her mark and now he must live his life in the near future, constantly comparing girls to her. She is his litmus test and he will spend his nights trying to forget her, by sleeping with girls that are so unlike her he won’t be tempted to call them by her name.

He opens the box, the forgotten debris of a punctuated relationship. He feels the weight of the box in his hands and then turns the entire thing upside down. Rains of paper fall across his crossed legs. Among the ashes are notes, letters, cards, and photos. He gazes at the photos, trying to pinpoint the exact moment. The moment where everything changed and she started to slip away from him. The moment they stopped fighting for each other and just began to fight.

Funny how pictures from long ago can still open up pain. Pain that was bubbling beneath the surface, just waiting to come out. He wanted to see her, suddenly, right now. He wanted to point to the picture they took in front of the fountains that day. She was standing on the ledge, and her smile seemed less brilliant than usual. Was that the moment? He wanted to thunder to her “was that when you started thinking more about yourself than of us?”. But it was futile. She was long gone and he didn’t know how to get her back.

Finis

This was a story of She and He, of Him and Her, of Them, and not Them anymore.  They might have ended up together, or they may have stayed apart. What you think depends on the type of person you are. However, what is unarguably true is that they left an indelible mark on each others souls and that neither of them would be the same afterwards. What’s important is that we choose people who expand our ability to love and make us better people; whether they are with us for a short time or forever.

“I don’t need to check that message, I know what it says

“Baby, I still love you”

Don’t mean nothing when there’s whiskey on your breath
That’s the only love I get”

~Lee Ann Womack~

I have written previously a bit about the “back burner” situation-where one person puts another essentially in reserve, only to be used if nothing else better comes along. This situation is perhaps the most twisted of the gray area situations in my opinion.

Usually the back burner situation works something like this: person A has met the “love of their life”, “the one they want to marry”, i.e. person B. Person A, for whatever reason, does not date person B, but instead keeps person B emotionally dependent on them so that person B does not move onto someone else. This emotional dependence has been shown, either personally to me or observed in how people treat some of my friends, in a myriad of ways.

Some of these entail…

Emotional blackmail-person A makes comments about how they are depressed, how life isn’t the same, etc. This can even happen when person A is dating someone else, as wrong as it is.

Immaturity-this one I actually understand the most. Person A is not ready to settle down, so they just keep in touch with person B as much as they possibly can. However, conversations about how things “might be” in the future is often a way that they constantly remind person B the feelings they used to have.

Jealousy comments- “I bet your new boyfriend likes you a lot”, “tell your boyfriend I said hi” etc, regardless if you are dating someone else, is person A’s way of finding out if you have moved on. So basically they are lazy enough that they don’t want to put in the effort for a relationship, but don’t want you to move on into a relationship in which you’re actually worth the effort.

Drunk Dials-It’s really my opinion that unless two people have decided to stay friends and the dials are all just regular conversation, drunk dialing an ex is a waste of time and usually hurts one or both of the people involved. If your relationship ended for whatever reason, nothing will benefit from talking if you while drunk. If you are talking calmly about your feelings, then talk about them sober. But usually drunk dials are just a reminder of why two people broke up in the first place. If you’re the person who is Person A, you need to realize that if someone is on your mind all the time and you’re calling them when you’re upset…well people are on your mind for a reason.

Hanging Out/Being Friends- this is also a tricky situation, because it seems that usually a friendship only works with this type of gray area, if both the people are still single. Usually if person B tries to move on to someone who wants to date them now (as opposed to some obscure point down the road) person A acts irrationally mad, but won’t actually give up their single life for someone they want to be with.

Essentially, if you find yourself in this type of situation, it’s best to really sit down and prioritize your life. In my opinion, being single is ALWAYS better than being in a relationship in which you are being taken for granted. But it’s hard because we can’t always have total control over who we like…and sometimes that person has become a habit as your “go-to” person, because you know you will be complimented by them and when you hang out it feels good.

My last piece of advice is to close with a quote, because I think it sums up nicely the point I am trying to make.

“Don’t make someone a priority in your life,

If they only make you an option in theirs.”

So basically a conclusion has been reached-that Bob and I share the same brain and that I’m basically him, but with different anatomy. So I thought that it would be fun to have a guy’s voice on here for once, instead of just my own. Tess’s comments are written in this font. Bob’s comments are written in this font.

Here are the Do’s and Dont’s of Early Dating, from Bob and Tess.

             DO Use your Manners your Momma taught you…

         No one wants to see you drool, slobber, or chew with your mouth open. That is not sexy. Women, keep your elbows off the table and stop grooming your nails or hair at the table. Men, don’t burp or fart-it’s not funny. I’m not one for 1950′s traditions normally, but opening a car door and standing up when the woman leaves to go to the bathroom melts my heart because it’s a dying art. Say please and thank you.
      I will agree to a point here. Manners are a big deal, the whole list, also don’t scrape your fork against your teeth. If you don’t know the right way to be appropriate in public or within the social guidelines of a meal, than you fail at life. You don’t have to open the car door for the girl per say, but a random act of chivalry might score you some points, just hold the door open for her, and as a rule of thumb, and I don’t mean do this at each date, but I like to pick some big part of the evening to pay for. You don’t need to pay for everything in fact it’s a good idea to set a precedence early that alternation of paying for things is appreciated, but pay for dinner on the first date, make the first move to show your willing to do nice things for her. That at least your not a complete deadbeat. 
      I’m also a pretty big fan of Dutch dates-I know that some of my exes used to pay more often than I did due to a cultural upbringing, so I used to have to steal the dinner tab from them. It’s nice to take turns paying for things or even taking turns driving. I think it’s also important to note that if someone is working full time and the other person isn’t, obviously their monetary input is going to be varied. I have often said that being a broke couple forces you to become creative. It’s easy to have a great relationship when you can afford fancy dinners three nights a week-it’s when people create meaningful, often free dates, that’s what takes time, energy, and thought. Being creative is a definite DO! 
 
                                Don’t order for someone else

(it’s really demeaning, especially because no one is a mind reader), although suggestions are nice if the other person seems stuck.
 I like to suggest a place I know has something awesome, though it’s not a first date maneuver to head to the city for example, there are places I know there for a 3rd, or 4th date, that are good ones for originality. I like to show I actually leave the house, I’m almost sort of kind of worldly. 
 
I agree, obviously you might not pull out all the stops out on a first date (this also changes depending on how well you know the other person really) and have nothing left for the other ones. It doesn’t always have to be up to the guy either to plan out everything (although usually the person doing the asking does the planning). I’ve been the planner as much as I’ve been the person surprised with plans-although I have to say I’m not a huge fan of surprising the person on a first date with what you’re going to do (it can be stressful for the other person), again unless you already know the person fairly well and know they will love what you have planned.
 
 
                    DO Order what you want to eat                             

If you are a cheeseburger chompin’, pizza loving, brownie maniac, then order as such. I’m not saying never order a salad on a first date, just order something consistent to what you might typically.
Ya, ordering outside your norm is going to help nobody. If your even remotely interested in a second or more dates your trying to pay attention to little things like eating habits so you can prove how well you listen on future dates. “Oh I can’t believe you remember I love sushi!” As you take them to that awesome sushi bar on Main Street where you know the bartender who will hook you up with some free sake. Weird example maybe, but you get the idea, girls love when you appear to listen, and guys don’t mind it either. If a girl shows up with a six pack of Sunset Wheat I might have to ravage her in the best possible way.
 
Yeah, I think it’s sort of nice when someone has a similar palate to mine, although encouraging the other person to try new things is nice too. Paying attention to what the other person likes is really important. And apparently girls everywhere need to start showing up with beer to dates.

Don’t….order something tiny in proportion because you think it’s “ladylike”

I’ve heard that a girl devouring a 16 oz steak is more sexy than someone pushing food around on their plate. You don’t want to date someone who won’t like you eating your favorite foods (what kind of life would that be?!) so it’s better to find out now. Additionally, if you eat beef every day of the week it might be hard for you to date a vegan.
Eating habits are a tough one. If they are too different things just might not work out. I mean you can a lot of times find restaurants that  can accommodate most styles of eating thus allowing you both to enjoy whatever you wish, and I have heard of couples that live together and eat complete opposite things yet still work it out. Not to say it’s not tough or in some cases a deal breaker. Myself I eat terrible, and if I were to date a health food nut I’m sure it would start to bother her and her comments would eventually cause me to kill her and hide the body under an undisclosed Jersey bridge.
 
DO pick a “warm up” date so you aren’t stuck in a situation you don’t want to be in!

If you haven’t met/know this person before, going for a cup of coffee/tea/water might be a better idea then setting up a movie or dinner date. Usually you know in the first ten minutes if you can hang out with someone for two or three hours. A warm up date takes the edge of a “bigger” first date, and helps you escape if the person just isn’t a great match for you.

Usually I know in under 5 minutes, possibly the first 50 seconds. Presuming this isn’t a blind date, where you picked this and knew in advance whether you were even partly attracted physically. After that I have a few basic standards for which my date must meet. The conversations cannot be one sided, if she isn’t putting the effort into finding something to talk about, it’s game over real quick. If your date can’t come up with stuff a little beyond small talk it’s also over. It’s one thing to get to know the person, be genuinely interested in finding out about them, that isn’t small talk because it is important, however if all you have in common is your mutual enjoyment of Friday Night Lights… throw in the towel. 
 
Yeah, I’d have to say uncomfortable silence or being the one doing all the work is pretty exhausting and disappointing too. It’s funny how sometimes you can talk online or on the phone to someone and have it go well, but in person it’s dead. Although it’s great if you have a similar taste in music or tv, if all you’re talking about is episodes you’ve watched that week, it’s probably only going to lead to a superficial relationship. 
 
                               Don’t…pick movies as a first date.

You won’t learn anything about a person sitting next to them in a dark theater without talking. The same goes for a movie at someone’s house, although this is a step up, you’ll either end up talking through the whole thing (in which case, you could have gone to dinner) or sitting there awkwardly watching a movie (not learning anything about the person, something you could have eliminated if you had a warm up date)
I guess the dating impaired don’t know that but yeah, you want to be able to talk on a first date. I don’t know about everyone else but my game relies entirely on the girl being able to hear my random acts of desperate whit.  I am a firm believer my game sucks. Going to bars I can’t be heard and I just don’t get how you would not creepily try to meet a cute girl you see across the bar. Bars/ Clubs are stupid places that are generally where groups go to hang out with their own few, and only on rare alcohol fueled occasions branch out to the others around them enough for what could be considered an actual social encounter.
To meet someone in a bar is fine, but I would never go to a bar as a first date-it’s not personal enough and encourages over drinking. If you run into someone at the bar and have a nice five minute conversation (which probably involves yelling to be heard), it’s fine to exchange numbers, but this is usually an exception to a rule in terms of turning into something. I think really one can’t go looking for a relationship, it definitely requires effort but a lot of times relationships are formed through chance encounters. One of my best friends met her boyfriend on line at Sears, and they’ve been dating for over six years!
 
                 DO dress (a little better) like you normally do.

I’m a firm believer in be yourself. If they don’t love you for you then it’s all a sham. Put on your favorite Iron Maiden shirt, the boxers that match your tattoo, your best plugs that make the holes look a gauge bigger, Mohawk a little extra tall where your still you, just cleaned up. Whatever your look is your going for, I’m not going to show up to a first date rocking a button up, polo shirt, etc. It just ain’t the Dudes style. Do however clean up your language. Despite what my mother thinks some girls are rather ok with profanity so long as it is not abused. Which is how I roll. I don’t like to limit my vocabulary based on archaic forms of propriety and conservative narrow viewpoints. That shit ain’t right. However you want to give the first impression that you have a larger vocabulary and grasp of syntax than that of your local Hamptons jackass.” You should probably limit the profanity first time around while dates 2 and 3 you can slowly work them in and get her used to it.
 
I agree with Bob-cursing a lot on a first date is a wild turn off, in men or women.
 
Don’t…wear makeup/hair/clothing you would normally not wear most of the time.

This kind of is similar to the food entry-don’t give off vibes that you are someone you are not. You want to look good, but you also want to look like yourself.
See above statement.
 
DO loosen up and joke around, laugh, make fun of yourself, etc.

No one wants to work really hard to keep the conversation going.
This is actually very key, if you can’t be yourself, or vise versa, what is the point. Make jokes, talk about what your interested in, though it’s ok to leave out the lengthy explanation of how a Samba share works allocating the share and ownership rights of directories back and forth from Linux to Windows…. Perhaps something a movie you like… a book you’ve read, some goals or ambitions, but don’t talk about your Ex, or if you must, as LITTLE as possible.
 
 Yeah, I mean it’s fine to be honest if you’re a (in my case) huge dork becuase you want to put that out there, but don’t talk for 30 minutes about how you organize your book collection, because no one besides you gives a damn. The first date is to give a person a taste of all the aspects of your personality.

            Don’t loosen up too much (overdrink)

A friend of mine once was very nervous about a first date and preceeded to down three beers before the appetizer even got there. “This friend” then went to pee, fell in the toilet, and was in the bathroom with her pants off trying to dry them with a hand dryer. While wearing a thong. Not a good idea.
I find the get so drunk that you end up letting loose and actually making a connection thing can work, more so at college, but never on the first date… well not on something that is considered a date really. I once sort of dated my R.A. at school. And she was kind of shy at first, and I was a big coward. We obviously liked each other but  nothing happened until we went out with a group of friends and she had some drinks, and I had some drinks, and we both drank until we were comfortable enough to be in our own skins. It’s situational, but regardless we paid enough attention that neither of us drank ourselves sick. Alcohol is a great social lubricant, but as with all things, know your limit, and do so in moderation.
In that case, it’s different because although it was a first date technically, if you’ve been hanging out with someone consistently for a while obviously you’re going to act differently with them than someone who you hardly know.
 
DO be open to different topics of conversation and revealing personal things.
I talk about most anything. Girls eat up tales of your past. When either side is comfortable enough to open up about their past it’s a good sign. You don’t tell that tale of when you woke up with marker on your face that read “I step on babies” and if your date doesn’t laugh, they probably won’t like the one where you actually did… I mean… 
Yeah, for me that’s the drinking detergant moment. Stone cold sober.

 
Don’t (or at least try to avoid) talking about things that only your best friend knows about yourself (your sex number, your exes, etc).

 If it’s a humorous story that you are telling, replace your ex with a friend to tell the story. If someone asks you point blank your number or how your last relationship ended, you don’t want to just shut down on them, but the whole night should not turn into a bashfest. Even if your ex was the kind of person who thought Starbucks is an appropriate place to propose after not hanging out for three years, no one likes to hear you bash them (even I get tempted with that anecdote though because oh my GOD!)
 Save the drama for your momma. Don’t talk about your Ex unless you must, as I’ve said before, telling the short version perhaps, not lying but not detailed enough that your ranting. She might just be thinking “will he be talking about me like that one day?”
 
DO…compliment the other person.
but don’t…let every sentence be a compliment, or give TMI physical information

(“I’ve thought about you in bed” “it’s been two weeks since I’ve banged someone” is not something you want to hear on a first date…red flag!)

Yes, it is thoughtful and easy free points to point out she looks very nice, you don’t even have to be specific, just a general statement of he eye pleasing aesthetics is enough. Don’t point out she smells nice unless your close enough to embrace each other. There is no way to not make that seem weird otherwise.
 
Additionally, don’t make comments like my sister/aunt/mom/ex owns that shirt, wore that perfume, would like your bag. You’re either going to come across creepy, or should be on a date with another guy, not a girl.
 
DO…ask the person if they have long-term goals, and what they are
DON’T ask the person’s expiration date for marriage or kids! Check please!
Goals are great, we should all have them, a good partner won’t judge you for not achieving them fast enough. Life is not a race, and F anyone who judges you for how fast you get there. That being said there are limits to how acceptable all things are. I might be living with mom but I’m working full time, paying my own bills, own my own car, and am studying hard for self improvement to better my situation, I have an ex who is a year younger, has a 3 year old son, she lives at home, dropped out of college that she was going to for free while her mother worked there, pays none of her bills, has no car, license, or  intent to obtain either, and inconvenienced the world getting a retail job on the other side of Long Island, and she’s a liar to boot. I don’t judge her for the retail career, I just think she could do better, I think she could do better in her whole life but she chooses that path. You could choose many of those things and still not be such a sad sack, I just think all of it together is the perfect storm of something I don’t think many people want to be a part of. Also, rants like that are why you don’t talk about your Ex….
I think goals are really key to determining if someone is compatible with you or not. If you are crazy about kids and someone says right off the bat they don’t want any, ever, don’t go into a relationship thinking that you can eventually change their mind. Also being said, let’s say you’re inked and someone calls tattoos “trashy”, chances are you should let them know you have some because it’s a lot easier to be honest then try to have a relationship where they never see you naked.
 
DO…make sure the other person’s needs are being attended to. Ask them if they want a refill, then ask the waitress if the person is facing the other way and it’s harder for them to do so. Hand them a napkin if you notice them searching for one, etc.
Don’t…ask “is everything okay?” a million times if you don’t know the person well.
I think both of those can go too far. Be courteous for sure but it’s a first date and your not a prince. This is not a Jane Austen novel. Meaning you don’t have this whole act you put on for the world so they think your a gentlemen or a lady. Basic manners are acceptable. 
 
I meant more so that sadly, manners are not the norm nowadays, so if both people use them it really establishes a high level of respect within the relationship.  
 
 
                                             On the Fence:
 
Sex. I have observed in others that sex on a first date either leads to a-someone freaking out, b-someone feeling used when the person doesn’t call or c-a person getting a wrong idea about the person getting caught up in the moment. I’m not going to say to DO or DON’T, I think it just depends on the individual.  I’ve never heard of good coming out of sex on a first date.
 Sex, the final frontier. I,  am a sexual being.  
Sex means different things for different people. My advice to all is to know what it means to you and stick with that as your guiding light. For example: I will be hard pressed to turn down sex on the first date if I am into her. I likely won’t. Sex to me is nothing more then fun and games until the relationship means something. I’ve met girls where they gave it up night number 2, and after day 4 or 5 when the guy decided he wasn’t really that into her that she felt used, that it was shocking after “the sex” that they didn’t want to have a relationship. News flash kids, don’t have sex unless your prepared for the consequences. This isn’t a stupid chick flick where people really fall in love at first site, or even day 3. Well maybe some people do but I think they are bat shit crazy and should be shot. Generally though a guy will wait at least a little while if your going to hold out to make sure he’s into it. I once waited 4 months trying to have some kind of relationship though and let me tell you the blue balls ended week 2 when I just presumed we were never having sex, or anything close to it, and I still tried to have a relationship with her for 3 and a half more months. Any guy whose interested or worth anything will wait. That doesn’t mean hold it on a string in front of him, but 5 days won’t kill him. And if your a virgin and plan to keep it that way, tell him. If your a virgin and you don’t know quite if you mind having sex you just haven’t had it before, don’t attach to the first guy who you have it with, just because you shared a special evening that he told you all the right things and it seemed all so romantic, guys and girls, can still change their feelings on a whim. I can’t say don’t get hurt, it’s not possible to avoid completely.

DO THINK of the reprecussions…
 
I went on a date with a guy once who was in my grad school class. It was about four weeks into the course so we still had a while left. The date itself was not bad, but I realized through being asked “Well, don’t you want to get married within a year or so, since you’re 23?” that him and I had completely different priorities right now, so I did not want to get into a second date. I explained it and he took it well, and I thought that it would be fine, we only had one class together anyway.
 
DON’T THINK that people enjoy being rejected…until we got to class where he then proceeded to argue against anything I ever said, did, or even breathed throughout the entire semester. Weigh your options. If it goes well, that’s awesome, but if it is an “epic fail” , you’re going to be dealing with it for the rest of the semester.

Lastly…

Do make decisions your fully aware could end the opposite of how you want them to, and be prepared that they will. Do find it awesome when they go your way, and Don’t let the bad experiences let you think the good can’t or won’t happen to you.

Do take chances, and as Chuck Palahniuk once wrote: “Risk being completely cut open.”.

A great line about this is from Benjamin Button:

“For what it’s worth: it’s never too late or, in my case, too early to be whoever you want to be. There’s no time limit, stop whenever you want. You can change or stay the same, there are no rules to this thing. We can make the best or the worst of it. I hope you make the best of it. And I hope you see things that startle you. I hope you feel things you never felt before. I hope you meet people with a different point of view. I hope you live a life you’re proud of. If you find that you’re not, I hope you have the strength to start all over again. “

“you’re practically like me, but with boobs” ~Bob~

In some cases, if both people have decided that “staying friends” is just way too emotionally taxing on the parties involved, it is a “death” because they decide to sever all contact with the other person.

Here are the seven stages of grief, with my personal take on how each stage can be translated into breakup stages.

Disclaimer***this cronicles breakup stages that myself and my FEMALE friends have been through…I don’t try to understand male breakup stages because I think it differs a LOT more between males than it does between females, depending on personality and emotional maturity.  Feel free to comment if you disagree!***

Stage One: Shock & Denial

aka: the reflex stage

Denial: You don’t want to think about the breakup because it is too painful so instead you throw all of your energy into other areas of your life about 200%.  A term paper that was supposed to be four pages typed suddenly gets handed in with its own gilded book cover. Your apartment is compulsively cleaned every hour.  You try to learn Mandarin. You tell your friends (and yourself) that you are TOTALLY FINE AND HAPPY TO BE SINGLE!!!

Shock:Your first thoughts upon waking up/showering/everyday stuff/going to bed are of that person.  You find yourself reaching for the phone to call when you receive good/bad news or anything funny happens that reminds you of the person you are missing.  You might even call or text when you are not *ahem* in the right mind because that other person was so engrained in your daily life.

Stage Two: Pain & Guilt

aka: this shouldn’t have happened, but it did stage.

Pain:When the initial shock of a break up wears off, usually you start feeling like a small bug on the underbelly of a really dirty elephant (don’t ask how that analogy came about).  You don’t really want to get out of bed, or shower or make yourself look remotely human.  You look over pictures/texts/emails from that person. 

Guilt: The guilt part comes in when you microanalyze every single action/fight that you had in the relationship and wonder if it was all your fault.  Suddenly, the “laughing at your ex when they slipped on ice and fell on their butt” is dramatically cruel instead of a reflection of a good sense of humor.  You become your own worst enemy and extremely self-critical and self-loathing.

(this is usually the stereotypical watching the Notebook and eating junk food stages…additionally repeated playings of kelly clarkson, avril lavigne, carrie underwood’s ‘before he cheats’ and the mega-anthem I will Survive ensues)

Stage Three: Anger and Bargaining:

YOUR EX SUCKS AT LIFE stage

I’ll talk about bargaining first since usually when bargaining does not work, the person moves onto anger.

Bargaining: You make promises to whatever/whoever you believe in that if your ex changes your mind, you will: make a pilgramage to Antartica, shave your hair and donate it to make wigs, never ever curse again, and follow the food pyramid religiously. 

Anger: You realize Antartica is really, really cold. You like your hair. You’ve destroyed all possibility of following the food pyramid thanks to the junk food binge during the previous stages.  So you move onto anger. The texts/pictures/emails you worshiped in earlier times get deleted/ripped up/burnt.  You HATE your ex and they suck at life.  If you ARE the ex, stay FAR AWAY from the other person during this time because everytime you sign online the IMs will include huge rants about things that you don’t even remember or can control.

Girl: “YEAH AND THE TIME THAT YOU DROPPED MY GLOVE AT THE MALL YOU HUGE JERKFACE!” (note: I try to keep this blog clean, so usually it would look something like @!&%*(&)*)&(%&%^(^@*^(&.

Girl: “OMG YOU DUMB BROWN HAIRED JERK! YOUR EYEBROWS ARE UGLY! YOU ARE ONLY 5’6″!”

Again, I’m only saying this from a girl’s perspective…believe me I’ve gotten way weirder insults from guys who have been dumped

Along with this anger usually comes many “girl nights” where you party it up a LOT more than you probably should, impairing your judgement.  You make out with someone just because you think somehow it would hurt your ex’s feelings.

Stage Four: Backtracking and Loneliness

NO MATTER HOW MANY TIMES I SING MISS INDEPENDENT, IT DOESN’T REALLY HELP THINGS

Just when your friends are like “she’s fine” usually something makes you relapse back into loneliness.  Maybe it’s because everyone in the bar reminds you of how “great he was”, or maybe you found a picture slipped under your bed that you thought you had gotten rid of.  Sometimes it’s a major thing…like finding out your ex has already moved on. Sometimes it can be as minor as an anniversary that can no longer be celebrated. Not everyone goes through the major extent of this stage but usually they experience some emotional setback, no matter what the degree.

Stage Five: The Upward Turn

OKAY, MAYBE I CAN DO THIS…

Just like how stage four can be out of nowhere, so can the upward turn.  Sometimes it’s as easy as waking up and realizing that you can’t change how things are…sometimes it’s as hard as knowing that other factors were just too hard even though the relationship was still good.  For one reason or another, this is the moment you realize that it’s over.

Stage Six: Working Through

I’M BEING REALISTICALLY CRITICAL NOW…

This stage is when you finally have your mentality back.  You are at your most rational post-breakup and are really involved in the things that bring you joy.  You really do not wish the other person harm (well unless he was a complete jerk, because you can now see the person in an unbiased light) and are looking to be single and have fun for a while, working on yourself before you enter another relationship.

Stage Seven: Hope

YAY!

Now, I know some people will really disagree with this, but I truly believe that the last bit of getting over a person is helped by a new relationship. THIS DOES NOT MEAN THAT YOU SHOULD BOUNCE FROM GUY TO GUY because that can often lead to unresolved feelings.  You should only enter into another relationship IF you as over a person as you are ever going to be.  It’s not always possible to be 100% over someone, especially if they were part of your life for a long time or your first love.  However, in this stage we truly begin to move on.

Author’s Note:

NONE OF THE POST BREAKUP STAGES INCLUDE PROPOSING TO SOMEONE IN A STARBUCKS, 7-11, DUNKIN DONUTS, or any other chain store if you haven’t seen the person in three years. IF YOU FEEL THE URGE TO DO THIS, re-evaluate your life or get a pet.

Part of being able to date someone new is realizing that the person who you dated previously is romantically out of your life.  Never write “being single is hard” in the pro column of dating someone either.  Being single, and dating someone, each have their own pros and cons…but again, base your life decisions on INTUITION. Because if you don’t, you may just end up wishing you had listened to your heart.

Of course, others opinions matter besides your own. Unless you really want to give up family and friends just to be with someone, you probably want to listen to the criticism they have.  And being a good family member or friend to someone means speaking up about their dating lifestyle or choices, even if you think it may anger them.

“When we love, it isn’t because the person’s perfect, it’s because we learn to see an imperfect person perfectly”

This entry idea has come about because a number of my friends, both single and taken, have been talking to me about how the numerical (actual) age of their partners differ from their emotional age.  This has also been a common theme in my life: many times I’ve dated older men who act like 12 year olds, on the other hand I’ve dated younger men who could have emotionally had a family and gotten married.  And before all you guys out there get all up in arms, women can be WAY worse in terms of the emotional/numerical age disparity than men can.

For a little fun, I designed a mini-quiz.  Do not alter your life based on this quiz.  It has a huge amount of flaws and is only for laughs.  Enjoy

Give yourself 3 points for every question you answer “yes” to.  Add a zero for every “no”.

1.  Are you actively pursuing a degree full-time or have at least a job where you constantly get a paycheck for more than 30 hours worth of work?

2.  Do you pay the bills you are able to pay (i.e. cell phone, gas money, textbook money should be paid; bills for tuition could be covered in loans) on time?

3.  Are you able to make plans with someone and keep them, or cancel for an emergency?

4.  Do you intellectually further yourself by pursuing interests and current events?

5.  Do you know who your state senators are?  Do you vote?

6.  Do you know the 7 traits you will not compromise on?

7.  Are you honest with who you date about the person you are and the expectations of the relationship?

8.  Are you able to be monogamous if the other person in the relationship expects it?

9.  Do you do things because you know you should, without having to wait for someone to ask you to do them?

10.  Do you take responsibility for your actions?

11.  Do you need to eliminate drama in your life in order to feel as if your life is worth living?

12.  Have you ever been single for more than 6 months?

13.  Do you define your self-worth by who you are, as opposed to who you are dating?

12 and below:  You are emotionally equivalent to a 12 year old.  So think of when you were in sixth grade; when it was about what you were wearing, who you were friends with, and who liked you as opposed to your accomplishments.  Work on creating a life that is about you, then the people who are in it.

13-18: You are emotionally equivalent to a 16 year old.  So think of when you were in 10th grade: you are beginning to become independent, but still rely on others to create boundaries for you and define what is most important.

19-25:  You are emotionally equivalent to an 18 year old.  So think of when you were a freshman in college:  You are embarking on a new world and accepting more responsibility, but still make life about what others think of you and creating your new identity.

26 and above: You are emotionally equivalent to a 24 year old.  You are seriously beginning your life path and have hopefully eliminated excess baggage from your life (gray areas, friendships that are toxic).

emotional support (compliments, promises, etc)

occasional hanging out

companionship (like for long-distance situations, lots of phone calls and IMing)

emotional tax/guilt gifts

I’m sure the first three are pretty obvious and if you’ve ever stuck around in a relationship longer than you should have, or dated someone who was totally into you although you weren’t into them, you understand the allure.

The fourth category is pretty unique to gray areas and might need a bit of an explanation.  Emotional tax, or guilt gifts, are materialistic things that people use to distract the other person from reality.  For example, they may give them a pretty necklace or take them out for an expensive meal.  It’s metaphorically saying “here is a grand gesture meaning to distract you from the fact that we aren’t really together, I want to keep you hooked”.  This can also happen in actual relationships when one person doesn’t have a lot of spare time for the other.  Or it can happen when the person knows you well, I’m like a raccoon in the sense that I love shiny objects.

In any case, gray areas are not good for either person involved unless the gray area has a definite ending point that will result in dating in the near future.  If it doesn’t look like that’s going to happen, get out.  It’s not entirely fair for either of you to be emotionally invested in the other person if it’s going nowhere.  And while you are so into that other person like a horse with blinders, so many great people are under your nose, waiting for a chance with you.  So give it to them.

Bottom line:  If the person is into you that much, they will move heaven and earth to be with you.

No excuses.

The Stereotypes:

1.  The Narc-this term is short for narcotic, i.e. typical of the person who always wants to be in a relationship of some form or another.  This person hangs out with you once and then becomes obsessed-calling/IMing/texting.  But it’s not that you are special (although, you are) it’s just they feel some desperate need to have someone that they’re involved with at all times…they’re always on the prowl for their next victim.  Okay, maybe victim is a bit strong…prospect perhaps?

Warning: If the person ever uses the phrase “I don’t care if you’re still in love with your ex” take all personal belongings and RUN AWAY AS FAST AS YOU CAN!

Second Warning: If the person says “I love you” in less than a month, chances are they are pretty used to tossing around that phrase.

2.  The Crow-the crow is the opposite of a narc.  Crows are terrified of commitment, even to something relatively casual like hanging out, watching a movie, grabbing coffee.  They scavenge for people who also seem like they are up for the “no strings” bullsh*t because they would rather poke their own eyes out than get into something that may possibly someday turn into a “thing”.  If their bedpost notches above 10, chances are you gotta Crow.

Warning: if you constantly hear “we should hang out” but they give every excuse possible under the sun as to why they can’t…including that they are “busy this entire week”, don’t waste your time.  Unless they are learning by osmosis from their textbook to their pillow, they can spare 20 minutes for coffee.  You’re better off without these gray area people.

3.  The Landmine-seemingly not dangerous, these people masquerade as quasi-crows until they magically turn into narcs!  They are cool with hanging out, but for limited amounts of time at first.  Then, they become obsessed with the other person and soon want to consume every minute of your spare time!

Warning:  If you hear people say “I want to change, but I haven’t found the right person yet”, distract them with something shiny and then head for the hills!

4.  The Drunk Comet-The drunk comet is perhaps the most confusing stereotype of the gray area.  This is typically a hookup that happens completely randomly once every set amount of time.  Usually that set amount of time is long in length (like once every six months) so it seems very unplanned but really just happens whenever one (or both) of the people involved is drinking copiously.  This is because the drunk comet wants to use the excuse “ohh I was so wasted last night” in order to cover up the truth, which is “I like you but I can’t handle my feelings”.  Or they just wanted to get some.  Either way, run far and fast!

Warning:  If you hear “hey, we had so much fun when you drove to (insert far city where that person lives) last time, you should come and visit again”.

Second warning: If you so stupidly do decide to visit, they may bring up “the past” various times in conversation conveniently right before you make your trip.  In any case, they are trying to blur the lines of friendship and dating and make it seem like they aren’t “over” what happened last time.

1.  The No Strings Attached Myth:  The no strings attached myth is probably the oldest gray area in the book.  It’s when two people are actually naive enough to think that they can have a physical relationship without emotions.  This is such a crock of sh*t that I can’t believe people are even trying it anymore.  Once you cross over into the physical realm and spending a lot of time together, someone is getting hurt.  I don’t care if you are just making out occasionally when you’re, uh, not coherent or if it’s actually sleeping with the other person…someone is going to start liking the other person or wanting to take it to “another level” and if the feeling is not mutual, then the other person is going to get hurt.

2.  The Distance Myth:

This one is also ridiculous, but for other reasons.  Long distance is hard.  I mean REALLY hard.  But the thing is with distance that people still are too stubborn to see is that it’s not THE excuse for failure.  When there is physical distance in the relationship, the two people either will learn to live with it and date anyway, or give up because it becomes too hard.  And it’s perfectly understandable if it is too hard.  HOWEVER, you cannot blame the distance for CREATING the breakage; it just made it more palpable.  It’s like adding stones onto a bridge that has slowly been cracking.  When someone tells you “I would totally date you, but the distance is hard”, what they’re really trying to say is “I would date you, but it’s not convenient enough for me/I couldn’t stay faithful to you/I don’t realize how special you really are”

3.  The One Person Single Myth:

This is actually a tricky situation, and it’s totally up to fateful timing, which, if you know me at all, has never really swung in my favor. Ever.

This situation is when one person in the gray area duo is dating someone.  And about the time when they are breaking up with their bf/gf the second person in the gray area duo is starting a new relationship.  So when one person is single the other isn’t and vice versa.  This can be really tricky because the person in the relationship often enters into it because they’ve given up on their gray area person committing to them and when they finally get the chance the other person has reached their end of the rope too.  However, like the distance myth, if you are interested in other people, chances are you shouldn’t be with your gray area person.

4.  The “You Wouldn’t Fit Into My Life” Myth:

This is for people who have fallen for someone that they are embarrassed to meet their friends/family because the other person will not be accepted for various reasons.  For example, if I ever dated anyone with full arm band tattoos you best believe I would be hiding him as far away from my family as possible before my mother would try to scrub them off.  With her own nails.  This also works for people who are living in two different parts of the country and one person would never be caught dead living where the other lives. If you are the person that is “embarrassing” chances are you already are aware of the situation, but are falling for the lines “it will work out some day.”

5.  The “Girls Just Wanna Have Fun” Myth:

Or the, “don’t worry, I will break up with my boyfriend/girlfriend to be with you”.  This is the MOST DANGEROUS gray area situation.  I don’t care what excuses this person is giving you as to why their boyfriend/girlfriend sucks.  If they aren’t strong enough to leave the other person on their own, then they need to grow up, NOT date other people.  And I don’t care how many times that person says “well I don’t care if I cheat on Bob with you, but I would never cheat on you if we were to date”, they are lying to you and themselves.  And you don’t want to be the rebound person anyway.

[Next installment:  Types of Gray Area Guys/Gals to Avoid]